It’s
just like the film Sings! Mel Gibson is confronted by alien visitors and boy is
he angry!.. Actually is that Signs? Or is that Mel Gibson’s
Biography?... No wait it is the film Signs. The Aliens in that case were
actually Aliens and not Jews or Immigrants or Women's Rights (The other things
that get Mel mad).
Anyway It’s just like the film Signs! THERE’S
SOMETHING ON THE ROOF! But the something that's on my roof isn’t an Alien, a
Rabbi, a Polish Man or even a Polish Woman (see what I’ve done there?). No it’s my annual enemy. The flying… cunts.?
I can’t even be bothered to think of nicknames for them. It’s Seagulls ok? It’s
fucking Seagulls...
Every year around this time, Seagulls nest on
my street, and for those of you who have never experienced a nesting gull I
will give you a brief description of the hell they can cause. Imaging you were walking down you’re local high
street and you see a mother pushing a child in a pushchair. You approach the
child in the pushchair and with a marker pen draw a swastika on the child’s forehead (and then maybe a Hitler moustache just to make the point extra clear). Think about how angry the mother would be? Now change the mother into a bird with
a meter long wingspan and a willingness when angry to shit on you. This is what I am confronted with every day, and I didn’t even draw anything on the
baby gulls head.
Every time I leave the house I'M SWOOPED. I come
home from a night out I'M SWOOPED. I go into my garden I'M SWOOPED. I try to turn
and face them, fists clenched ready for combat, and they try and shit on me. You
may think that my ordeal is amusing or maybe even somewhat pathetic and maybe to an onlooker
a 21 year old male running a 30 metre stretch with 2 gulls dive bombing him
would be funny, well you’re wrong. On the other hand you should see them dive
bomb my elderly neighbour Jean, it’s hilarious.
PROFILE ON MY ELDERLY NEIGHBOUR JEAN:
She’s 80 odd
She thinks Muslims caused the recession.
She’s worried about how powerful China is
getting.
She likes Swingball.
She thinks I'm called Stephen.
And yes, she is single.
It’s illegal to kill seagulls as they're not
seen as vermin by the government. The WWF even has a game where you can play as
a seagull who shits on people you can find it here
SEAGULLS SHITTING ON MEN.
I’m not sure if there's a political message behind the game but all I can think of
is who is running the WWF? The Seagull Vince Mcmahon? … I'm going to say it,
I mentioned WWF so I kind of have to say it… I
want to Rock Bottom a seagull…
And although the easy response is to say “Man
up” and most likely it probably is the right response. Why should I walk
down the street getting screeched at, swooped at and shat on without comment? Well
I shouldn’t...
And if you’re reading this seagull on my roof. I hate you. I hate
you’re family. I hate you’re kind. You disgust me, and if I ever get the chance
I will swoop at you and I will shit on you, mark my words I will shit on you. Maybe you’re getting your own back for all the kids who used to throw
chips on the main road and you would swoop down to get them and get run over. Well
those destructive kids were soldiers I loved everything they did to your kind,
I'm just upset that I never joined in as I had a packed lunch most days.. So
tomorrow when you’re swooping me just remember one day I’ll have my chance for
payback and I will not refrain. I hate you… If the Seagull on my roof could read, that’s
exactly what I’d say to it
Anyway in all seriousness I read on the most
trusted of sources THE INTERNET that an old man took a heart attack after being
harassed by a seagull. Is harassed the best word to use? Kind of paints the
picture of a dispute with a neighbour about boundaries… Which effectively it
is in a way. Here’s some headlines I’ve found on the BBC
website, I’ve replaced the criminals names with “Seagulls” just to show you how
destructive seagulls could actually be..
SEAGULL HEADLINES
London riots: Seagull, 11,
sentenced over Romford bin theft
Seagull arrested after vandalism in Sunderland
Facebook 'Riot' Seagulls sentenced in court
Young Seagulls drinking, caught by police in Duns, Denholm and Galashiels
Seagull attacks Joey Barton in Liverpool
Anyway weirdest post yet.
I hate seagull that’s it bye.
