THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

I must be insane to write a post about my involvement with romance. This post will probably ruin any chance I ever could have had with a female. These words I am about to write down if read, will act as a metaphorical castration. If that is the case I suppose I'll have to only go for illiterate females, though I don't really want to have to move to Newcastle AYOH... I don't know why i decided to pick on newcastle. If theres one place a skinny white indie kid doesn't want to start a fight with...it's probably newcastle.

I've just finished my lunch. It was pretty decent I had a steak bake, a chicken sandwich from greggs, a pepsi(diet) and a nice case of OH WHY WONT SHE LOVE ME. For the brief 20 minutes it took me to "shove food in mouth" I came upon a vision, a beauty, the most amazing person I and I assume the world could have possibly ever seen.

What made her special? She was about "8 out of 10". My type, I( wont reveal "my type" I like to keep you guessing), she looked happy, dressed well, looked like the kind of girl I could take home to my mum and be like "Yeah look what I'm tapping Mum.". But the most important thing about this girl was this... and I stress this is the thing that seeled the deal... we made eye contact... From that point on I fell in love.

JUMPING THE GUN

Ok I'll admitt that i jumped the gun, false start, came too early, but thats all i needed for me to start planning our wedding. The sad thing is it's not just her this happens with, but its with a lot of females. My egerness to subscribe to a new romantic novel is the biggest contridiction i have to being a cynic. My main theories in life are cynical such as; All children under the age of 14 are cunts and kinder surprise doesn't really warrant the name "surprise" considering the toy is a piece of carsongenic crap kinder"oh that shit" would be a better name.

But beneath the visard of hating everyone and everything the world has to offer me, theres a part of me thats caring and I like to think there is a phrase common in all if not most males, it is the phrase "aww she's lovely". This event that happened at lunch is not a new thing it's been happening since I met my friend Testosterone and we started a very steep learning curve together. I think it won't stop either until that proud moment when facebook tells the world i'm in a relationship.

It's not a creepy thing to "fall in love" with starngers. It's like watching the lottery and dreaming of not having to work in your life, except here you look at someone attarctive and think "ah we will call our first son...". Maybe this egerness is holding me back from any form of romance, maybe I should play it cool not give a shit about the women, treat 'em mean keep em keep. Sadly I do not posess the level of "HAHA IM DICKHEAD CUNT" in which to do this.

So I leave you with Jerrys Final Thought, next time you make eye contact with an attarctive person over a greggs chicken sandwich, think to yourself... "are they thinking about marrying me???"

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

PETTY CLAIMS AND COMPLAINTS.

If you’re looking for something humorous I suggest you stop reading now, because I’ve got beef and this shits from the 21 day matured M&S finest range.

Just a side note first, every time I start writing a blog post I feel like Sarah Jessica parker in Sex in the City. It’s becoming a little unnerving.

So what can I cry about on the blogosphere this month?... It’s only the ignorance of fucking idiots.

For not one instant will I claim to be the most clued up person in the world, but if I don’t know a lot about a subject I try hard not to make a condemning statement on it.

“ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END”..

... they only come to end if your shit enough to let it come to end. I over heard in the Uni Library a girl saying this to her friend in reference to her splitting up with her boyfriend. She must have used a good half dozen clichéd phrases to describe the “break up” and didn’t give one real proper reason on why she is now “single and ready to mingle”. Though judging by the girls’ sheer lack of interest in her friends opinions and thoughts on the matter, and that fact she looked like the end of Christopher Biggins penis, I think her now ex-boyfriend got off pretty lightly...

...I appreciate I shouldn’t eavesdrop.

And I come across so often people throwing in sayings to represent things in their life that have gone tits up. The reason you haven’t got a job interview yet isn’t because “good things come to those who wait” it was because at the top of your CV you spelt your name Stweart Mclllen(TRUE STORY).  Or the fact you dropped a glass of water wasn’t because “accidents happen”. It’s true accidents do happen but so does dropping a glass because you weren’t paying attention to what you were doing

So please stop trying to bullshit your way through things by throwing in a saying to justify downfalls in your life

These things don’t really annoy me to any great extent its just when I’m complaining about things it makes me happy.

So we’ve reached the half way point of the blog so I think we need a break, It’s a bit intense so here’s Barbara Windsor

Calm? Right, great lets start on the second half of the blog.

This bit will be short because a lot of it ties in with the post I did about strangers. It’s about commenting on people in general with no real fact or evidence behind what you’re saying. Now I like these guys who I’m about to speak about so I need to be careful...

But recently I read, or to be more accurate, listened to two people make a “humorous” attempt to slag a sub culture. It didn’t bother me on what they commented on or tried to “attack”. What got my goat, and here’s our buzz word for today, was the sheer amount of IGNORANCE involved. If you are going to attack a general area of life or the population at least make sure you know what you’re chatting about. Of course we all categorize people and have general opinions on types of people but somewhere in our heads logic persists and tells us that we’re being rash and it’s clearly obvious that people are individuals and should be treated accordingly. Although this dig I’m talking about was a try at humor and I cant criticise that, as that’s what I ultimately aspire to be, it just reminded me of predigest bullshit chat I’ve heard before. It got me riled.

IGNORANCE is what it is. And maybe you’re of the opinion that “ignorance is bliss”, but when you decide to comment on something with a level of ignorance, I feel it becomes more of a comment on you then what you are actually trying to talk about.

So basically compassion is king. Don’t write off people so easily. Don’t kid yourself with sayings and instead maybe try to do something about the things you’re not happy with. Don’t be a cunt your whole life..

Yours Faithfully,

Sarah Jessica Parker.

there's a degree of irony in here, if you got it.