IT'S JUST LIKE THE FILM SIGNS

It’s just like the film Sings! Mel Gibson is confronted by alien visitors and boy is he angry!.. Actually is that Signs? Or is that Mel Gibson’s Biography?... No wait it is the film Signs. The Aliens in that case were actually Aliens and not Jews or Immigrants or Women's Rights (The other things that get Mel mad).

 Anyway It’s just like the film Signs! THERE’S SOMETHING ON THE ROOF! But the something that's on my roof isn’t an Alien, a Rabbi, a Polish Man or even a Polish Woman (see what I’ve done there?).  No it’s my annual enemy. The flying… cunts.? I can’t even be bothered to think of nicknames for them. It’s Seagulls ok? It’s fucking Seagulls...


 Every year around this time, Seagulls nest on my street, and for those of you who have never experienced a nesting gull I will give you a brief description of the hell they can cause. Imaging you were walking down you’re local high street and you see a mother pushing a child in a pushchair. You approach the child in the pushchair and with a marker pen draw a swastika on the child’s forehead (and then maybe a Hitler moustache just to make the point extra clear). Think about how angry the mother would be? Now change the mother into a bird with a meter long wingspan and a willingness when angry to shit on you. This is what I am confronted with every day, and I didn’t even draw anything on the baby gulls head. 

Every time I leave the house I'M SWOOPED. I come home from a night out I'M SWOOPED. I go into my garden I'M SWOOPED. I try to turn and face them, fists clenched ready for combat, and they try and shit on me. You may think that my ordeal is amusing or maybe even somewhat pathetic and maybe to an onlooker a 21 year old male running a 30 metre stretch with 2 gulls dive bombing him would be funny, well you’re wrong. On the other hand you should see them dive bomb my elderly neighbour Jean, it’s hilarious. 


PROFILE ON MY ELDERLY NEIGHBOUR JEAN:


She’s 80 odd
She thinks Muslims caused the recession.
She’s worried about how powerful China is getting.
She likes Swingball.
She thinks I'm called Stephen.
And yes, she is single. 

It’s illegal to kill seagulls as they're not seen as vermin by the government. The WWF even has a game where you can play as a seagull who shits on people you can find it here SEAGULLS SHITTING ON MEN. I’m not sure if there's a political message behind the game but all I can think of is who is running the WWF? The Seagull Vince Mcmahon? … I'm going to say it, I mentioned WWF so I kind of have to say it… I  want to Rock Bottom a seagull…

 And although the easy response is to say “Man up” and most likely it probably is the right response. Why should I walk down the street getting screeched at, swooped at and shat on without comment? Well I shouldn’t...


And if you’re reading this seagull on my roof. I hate you. I hate you’re family. I hate you’re kind. You disgust me, and if I ever get the chance I will swoop at you and I will shit on you, mark my words I will shit on you. Maybe you’re getting your own back for all the kids who used to throw chips on the main road and you would swoop down to get them and get run over. Well those destructive kids were soldiers I loved everything they did to your kind, I'm just upset that I never joined in as I had a packed lunch most days.. So tomorrow when you’re swooping me just remember one day I’ll have my chance for payback and I will not refrain. I hate you… If the Seagull on my roof could read, that’s exactly what I’d say to it


 Anyway in all seriousness I read on the most trusted of sources THE INTERNET that an old man took a heart attack after being harassed by a seagull. Is harassed the best word to use? Kind of paints the picture of a dispute with a neighbour about boundaries… Which effectively it is in a way. Here’s some headlines I’ve found on the BBC website, I’ve replaced the criminals names with “Seagulls” just to show you how destructive seagulls could actually be.. 

SEAGULL HEADLINES

London riots: Seagull, 11, sentenced over Romford bin theft 
Seagull arrested after vandalism in Sunderland
Facebook 'Riot' Seagulls sentenced in court
Young Seagulls drinking, caught by police in Duns, Denholm and Galashiels 
Seagull attacks Joey Barton in Liverpool




 Anyway weirdest post yet.


 I hate seagull that’s it bye.

DO YOU THINK IM SEXY?

ONCE UPON A TIME...

Consider the classic Disney film Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs. More specifically the villain of the piece, the Queen. This Queen had in her possession a magical mirror which for a while told her that she was a pretty decent looking bird, music to her ears as you can imagine. Now lets jump back in to reality and look at a real life version of this. I am of course talking about none other than egocentric and self confessed 'beauty' Samantha Brick. Real life doesn't provide us with magical talking mirrors to tell us that we are the fairest in the land, it provides us with Gok Wan... but annoying cretins aside it provides us with regular mirrors that give us a reflection, a mute reflection at that. But when Brick looks in the mirror her reflection somehow tells her that she is so attractive that the whole female race resents her. The whole female race, which by definition could include  Queen Elizabeth II, Myra Hindley, Joan of Arc and Tian Tian the female Panda at Edinburgh Zoo who refused to mate this week probably as she just feels too damn ugly and has such low self esteem because of Samantha Brick.
If you're not clued up on what I'm talking about read this.. Samantha Brick Explains How To Act Like A Cunt.

Prize Cunt of the Week

This article isn't going to verbally abuse Brick, for that I recommend you search on twitter where you can find comments like this

"Samantha brick is an ugly ugly mother fucking cunt and no that is not jealousy you munter. Someone needs to twat a brick off her head jesus" @tashaXchristie
or
"my pal on samantha brick - what a cunt. bet she fantasises about herself when she has a wank.' @CrookedCarla
and
"Samantha Brick... Would you kindly fuck off you deluded munter" @AlexZanderrrrr


What i want to look at is the thought that there are other people just like Brick out there. They think the same as Brick but are 'clever' enough not to write about it in The Mail. There's an army of secret Bricks out there, building secret Brick clubs made from brick..


In a world where praise is hard to come by, why not tell the world that the only reason that people hate you is because they're jealous?... Why not? Mostly because its fucking delusional. Given, if someone is better than me academically, financially, aesthetically there is a bit of resentment at first [Read: Before I Knew You I Hated You ] but then their personality kicks in and a reasonable judgement of them is made. 


Attention seeking is what it is, a great example of people trying to gain attention and show off their Brick like credentials is when they take several(thousand) photos of themselves. Welcome to 2012 where the human race has seemingly de-evolved to a point where a portion us of decide to stay in, in front of the webcam and take photos of ourselves in black white and upload copious amounts of these photos with captions like "???" and "not sure about this one?" or "new hair" "new hair 1" "new hair 2". Im also not saying this is just females, its males as well. 

Heres me with a fringe. Heres me looking to the right. Now I'm looking the other way. Heres me with a fringe again.

Now of course i can't get into these peoples heads, and i'm quite glad i can't, but i'm going to make the assumption that half of the photos they take don't make it to the final press release(upload). But the good 25 photos are up and they can sit and wait for the plaudits to come in.. As they get older and people stop paying attention to them, it could be rightly assumed that they will turn to chat roulette in desperation and start wanking on their webcam to strangers with their mic turned off, crying to themselves "PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I'M BEAUTIFUL, IM BEAUTIFUL."... 


Although i'm not quite yet subscribed to my Dad's (63) way of thinking "If its blue and its trousers i'll wear it" I still think that sitting alone at home dressing up to take photos of yourself on an evening is not an activity that anyone in the human race should partake in.. and maybe the boundaries are blurred between vanity and a need for acceptance but in both instances I can quite plainly say to these people that no one gives a shitting twating cunting bloody fuck.


Digressing 

Finally i couldn't go without mentioning a new breed of person i've only recently noticed. The term Chino Wanker is now commonly excepted. You used to see Chino Wankers cutting about the town, or Topman, The Garage or The Stereophonics section at HMV. But since the summoning, and yes i say summoning (as in raised from hell) of 1 Direction, it appears to me that the solo Chino Wankers have formed none singing tribute 1D bands. Even my local young team have thrown away their trackies and now all don chinos... My new plan is to go in to H&M and line each pair of chinos with driver ants, and when the chinos are placed on a persons legs, their human flesh is stripped to the bone by the driver ants. If you're reading this and you wear chinos, in a group of people who also wear chinos, i want this to happen to you. I wish you had no legs.


I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT OR WHY I WRITE.


bye.

LADS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN.

I apologise for the Cyndi Lauper referrence in the title.

"The term LAD is synonymous with the word cunt, and if you disagree it’s probably because you yourself are a massive LAD.” (Mclellan, 2012)

While I’ll agree that it takes all sorts to make a world, from the slow un-intrusive nature of a tortoise, to the busy mother bird flying home to feed her young, the old man who collects the paper every sunday morning from the local shop, a group of friends laughing on a train about a time when sarah said "blah blah blah”... theres a vast array of living creatures on this planet, each beautiful in their own unique way...

THAT CUNTS JIVING!

Three quotes from Truelad.com

"Out last night and a girl on my course (7/10) at uni (fresherLAD) walks up to me and whispers in my ear "ive never kissed a boy before". as i have a girlfriend, my reply was "wow, neither have i! we have something in common" and i walked away. FaithfulLAD"

"Girls Facebook status 8/10 'some little kid knocked on my window and when I went to the door he shouted from across the street GET YOUR BUM OUT! littleLADinthemakingLAD"

"Jeremey Clarkson = trueLAD"

I think you will all agree some first rate banter, bantz etc up there... 

My hatred for LADS is so great that i find it sensationally difficult to even string together one sentence on why it is that my blood boils when i view such LADish behaviour. So im going to do things a little bit different today, I'm going to tell you a story (names removed for protection) and hopefully it will show you why you shouldn’t buy into LAD culture.

A few years ago I attended a party (Im quite the socialite) and to be blunt, it. was. shit. The music wasn’t fantastic, Tio Cruz mostly if i remember. And people were sticking to their own social groups in a way that it made you feel like you were in a prision yard and speaking to anyone not in your 'gang' would result in death by judgemental staring. I was a few Tesco beer Speciale down, my recent horriffic haircut had, had a week to 'grow in' so i didnt look like Annie Lennox anymore and to add to that i had just got some fantastic new trainers. So i was feeling pretty confident about my chances of tricking a female into finding me interesting enough that the conversation could go beyond that fact i have a slight English twang to my accent. I didn’t have any chat up lines prepared (apart from one fantastic fact about Swans), I just hoped she really liked my new Nikes as much as i did, if not i’d have to resort to Plan B*. As usual it wasn’t going successfully, and my confidence in my trainers had dropped to an all time low, but worse was to come..

As i walked through to the kitchen that was maybe filled with 6 or 7 members of one gang I saw a girl standing by herself and i approached her. This seems a bit predatory, i assure you it wasn't or atleast wasnt intended to be. After a few awkward regulatory questions about Uni, where we lived and then my super fact about swans, it was assumed by me that we were getting on fantastically.. and it was after feeling that everything was going great that 3 LADS stumbled into the kitchen shouting and bawling and singing and saying STANDARD a lot. [Standard - A Standard phrase for Standard Morons] Then one by one these standard LADS each approached the girl i was talking to...

The first guy was about 5ft 10 in a striped Ralph Lauren t-shirt, he was brimming with confidence or as i like to say, he was a smug cunt and as he staggered towards the girl he said “See if I wasnae with my bird, you know? but im a faithfulLAD, but genuinely add me on facebook” to which the other two replied “standard chat from you, absolutely standard”.

The second guy approached her he must have only been about 16, I think he was someones brother, anyway he had so much lynx on that he smelled like a tweenagers birthday party.. He came up close to the girl and said “Ha mate you look fucking sensational, nah im only joking, see am just cheeky, but seriously i wid”

The final guy approached the girl (who was now almost on the verge of tears). He was pretty tall and and looked like the most drunk out of them all and he said the most horrifying thing of them all, its hard for me to even repeat it... “I LOVE JEREMEY CLARKSON, WHAT A FUCKING LAD”...

I'm so sorry to post two Clarkson pictures in one post, im so so sorry

They girl ran out crying, she ran out of the flat without saying goodbye to me, and tadgically... and... and tradigcally, she was hit by a bus taking LADS on holiday to Kos... LAD banter isn’t just banter, it kills. It killed the only woman I loved in 2010, there’s no room for it in our society. STOP IT NOW. Please join my campaign STOPLAD2012.

Thanks for listening

Plan B* Get drunk and hope something happens from there.

HE'S GOT NO TEETH!!

The only way is… hilariously witty pun.

Alot of television is a massive cesspit. If you don’t like the idea of eating poo, don’t read this.

Scattered through your TV listings are programmes that genuinely make me question my very own existence. Programmes in which their content feels like it has been chewed up by John Prescott and then thrown back up again… But what angers me most about this cesspit is that there are people standing eager, with spoons, ready to eat it up. YUM YUM EAT UP YOUR SHIT.

 

First up hovering his arse over your dinner plate, is frequent shouter and serial finger pointer Jeremy Kyle. Now I have a confession to make, i used to watch Jeremy Kyle and laugh at all the people, “HAHAHA SHE TAKES DRUGS AND ONLY HAS 3 TEETH” “OMG HE CHEATED ON HER WITH HER DAUGHTER NOW HE LOVES STALKING HER” “LIE DETECTOR! CANT ARGUE WITH THE LIE DETECTOR!”. Yes that used to be me, until I saw the light. I say light more, Land Rover Discovery. At the tender age of 18, I got wind (not farting) that a girl that went to my school was going to be on Jeremy Kyle. On my mad sprint to my friends house to lap up her misfortune, I fell. I fell in front of a Land Rover it was about 11 metres away from me. I could have been run over trying to watch someone on Jeremy Kyle. Now I don’t have a way in which I’d "like to go", but being run over by a middle class woman in her 4x4 whilst running to watch a girl throw her life away to heroin would not be at the top of my list. If I had died that it would have been Jeremy Kyle's fault.

MASSIVE TWAT

                                            

While Jeremy bombards these people (and I assure you they are actual genuine people and like everyone else aren’t perfect) the audience laugh and recoil in horror because Jim from Bristol only has two teeth. HOW COULD HE CHEAT ON HIS WIFE? HOW COULD HE NOT BE A PERFECT HUMAN BEING? Jeremy lords over them shitting in their face whilst you, the audience, lick it off their face laughing and laughing. Hahaha lets laugh at the human beings messing up their short existence on earth because somewhere down the line someone has failed them. By watching Jeremy kyle you are funding a cunt and slowly chipping away at your soul. HAPPY VIEWING.

If the only way is Essex then we wouldn’t need road maps, but by the sheer existence of road maps it proves that the only way isn’t Essex, there are other places in the world, like Newcastle or Chelsea for example…

What angers me is that someone can make this rubbish and people love it, they go shitting mental for it. REEM TOTES AND WILLIAM HILL. It seems if you put a moron in front of a camera it makes great television, Joey Essex, Brian from big brother, Boris Johnson. I’ve not got too much to say on this, as I've never watched it, though I have been in a club where Mark Wright (no relation to Ian) made a guest appearance. People queued to have their photo taken with him. So excited they were that they formed an orderly queue! This man stands on TV looking like preened budgie talking about how he hates a girl then likes a girl and then hates her and Reem and so on… and now because of his huge talent he can go to a south Ayrshire night club and demand a queue of people.

 LINE UP! LINE UP! COME HAVE A PHOTO TAKEN WITH MARK WRIGHT WHO LIKES A GIRL! AND THEN HATES A GIRL! LINE UP! LINE UP! AND COME SUCK ON HIS COCK OR EAT HIS SHIT. HES ON TV YOU KNOW!

Also a massive ttwat.

As a regular CBBC viewer you may think that I don’t have grounds to stand on, and yes while there a many horrible TV programmes proverbially shitting on you, it could be argued that if I was to get shat on by Clifford the big red dog id be in all sorts of trouble.

It just makes me cry to think people actually enjoy this kind of television. Come on you’re better than that?

 I don’t have an ending to this, I didn’t really have a start. I just hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I totes hate people …

THATS WHEN GOOD NEIGHBOURS BECOME GOOD FRIENDS

Hi Welcome Back. I live on fucking Ramsey Street

It is currently 01:46am in the morning, I'm alone in my flat and all i can hear is the flat across from me having a party! HOORAY. I would go over and firmly ask them to fuck off and shut up and die but I'm only 1 man, of average height and weight, and i completely understand my limitations. So I've decided to moan about them on the Internet.. great plan Stew..

Maybe i should accept the fact they're young and want to get drunk and loud and have a good time. Maybe i should just accept the fact that the hall is a great communal place for drunk couples to argue then winch then argue then winch. Maybe i should realise i have been to a party before (I really have) and i have contributed to indeterminate shouting.. But then again it is two in the morning and i want them to die..

A back story on my neighbours.

The term "cunts" is thrown about a bit, but cunts is what they are. They are the kind of cunts who have massive holes in their ear lobes (i believe called plugs??????). It's something i will never understand, the human body provides us with plenty of holes, you are not a Swiss cheese, stop trying to be a Swiss cheese. They are also in a band! How could i forget about the band!? I've affectionately dubbed them SHITSTORM. They repetitively play in drop d while someone who sounds like they've had a troubled relationship with a stern father figure screams DIE!DIE!DIE! So i think that constitutes a band?

Anyway there's currently a steaming bird outside the party desperate for attention. It's a shame for her that no one seems to give a fuck about how craazy she is and nor will they when she posts her craazy drunken antics on Facebook tomorrow morning. Its a fact no one cares about what you post unless its about some shit that everyone like or something (apologies, too tired to think of something you kids like).

The girls gone inside now BUT THE PARTY CONTINUES! Maybe I'm just jealous? Tonight all I've done is check my change to see if i own a 2 pence piece from 1983, because i read somewhere they're worth £700...
NO I'M NOT JEALOUS I'M ANNOYED. The cunts, the shitting cunts are whooping and shouting and playing.. i think it's Tiao Cruz!? SHITTING TIAO CRUZ! Ironically? Most likely. Which makes me even more annoyed because that means they'll be laughing and having a good time and laughing and having a good time and laughing, and i have to listen to them!

I hope there's a power cut and the steaming girl falls through a glass table and dies and they're all done for culpable homicide...

No i don't... I need to remember, I'm easy going. I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going.


If that did happen though the BBC news could interview me
BBC - "We're here with eye witness Mr Mclellan"
Me - "Yeah well i was just in my pants and then that girl died which was such a shame because she was soo craazy and steaming".

Anyway a few hours have passed and they've stopped. My flatmate has returned home dressed as a woman and is trying to sexually assault me. AHHH order has been restored..

WE CAN'T BE AS LUCKY AS LES

Recently I’ve had a bit of an eye opener, working part time all summer has made me realise that I really need to succeed in my Uni course and then keep on succeeding in my chosen career path until I’m old an grey. This thought comes as my lack of enthusiasm and short attention span for anything I don’t enjoy becomes painstakingly apparent. Thinking about it further I can even struggle concentrating on conversations – having to listen to someone talk about their life can be tough, especially when I could be thinking about what I’d do If I was a chubby couple from Largs who had won the Euromillions.

I would happily forgo a well paid job in the future as long I enjoyed what I was doing, to find something well paid and enjoyable would be the dream but we all can’t be like Les Dennis...

LES DENNIS?

On a casual jaunt through Thursdays 4 o clock television I ended up on CBBC where I came across a programme hosted by Les Dennis called Fe Fi Fo Yum. I turned over at the exact point where Les was excitably asking two groups of children to guess how many Meatballs he could force into his mouth in 30 seconds (it was7). Some people work hours on end for a little wage and little self reward but not this man. This man has clearly reached the dizzy heights’ of dream jobs. A handsome wage to do something a handicaped person does every day and it's a job he presumably loves(im only guessing he loves it by the LARGE AMOUNT OF FUN AND CRAAAZY ENTHUSIAM HE PUT IN THE SHOW). Though I have to question what anyone’s doing employing Les Dennis to host and star in a Childrens TV (he's  not really an aspirational figure for a 10 year old). I guess I can’t be too critical of childrens television -  if I was to be I could easily write 500 words questioning the logistics of Clifford the Big Red Dog i.e.  who's job is it to clean up after Clifford goes for a shit?

Heres a short list of people who shouldn’t have Jobs in Television

Jeremy Kyle

Vanessa Feltz

Carol Mcgiffen

Any dog that’s appeared in Eastenders

The Cast of Eastenders

But to sum up a somewhat incredibly short and strange post... I don’t want to think about not ending up in broadcasting because that thought terrifies me. Without the pencilled in life I have for myself in 10 years time the future is not bright nor is it orange it’s a massive cold hollow void.

We’ll all can’t be as lucky as Les Dennis....

..Or maybe we can. Maybe If I fail my course, I could get a buskers licence. Buy a pack of meatballs. Stuff the meatballs in my mouth whilst on the high street asking children to guess how many are in my mouth then I would scream “HAVE I SUCEEDED NOW!? HAVE I SUCEEDED NOW!?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Thanks.

I CANT DANCE

Here's a post about me not being able to body pop

As I walked back from the toilet I looked onto the dance floor and saw a group of friends dancing, giving it no second thought, loving every rhythmic movement and I envied them. Next to them was a lone male using his dancing skills to try and attract two girls also having a dance. I didn’t envy him. He was slowly approaching them with shoulder rolls and hip shakes in an attempt to show these girls he was a FUN GUY and that they should dance with him. The girls promptly left the dance floor, I assume through fear. This routine was not unfamiliar to me as I used to also try to chat up girls with the Macarena, until I realised that words are probably more effective. It’s a bit like going into a job interview and purely fox trotting for 30mins.. (It is nothing less than horrific that I can put chatting up girls in the same category as job interviews)

So I said the gift of the gab is more effective and it is, to a degree... If you're talking to a lady and making her laugh and getting on like a bleeding house on fire it’s great but then a song comes on that she presumably loves and rarely hears and you hear her say the most horrible sentence ever imaginable “Lets Go Dance” at this point my heart sinks well aware of what’s going to happen..

I have to go and dance with her I can’t just point blank refuse, I need to show her that I’m a regular human being who loves to have FUN like every other normal functioning member of society

So we arrive at the dance floor, she’s doing some sort of sexy self hair grabbing sexy body dance and I’m stood about 2ft across from her like a rabbit caught in headlights not knowing what to do. I do have rhythm so I manage to bust out a rhythmic sway and occasionally point (and I’m not quite sure what I’m pointing at, but I hope it constitutes as dancing). If I knew the song I could sing along and relieve the awkward tension that’s building up in my mind but alas its some song by the Black Eyed Peas about weeing your self and having the time of your life.

Beside me there’s a guy who’s seen that I’m obviously drowning in poor dance moves and in my mind is going to try and step in front of me so I need to up my game and in a desperate attempt I resort to shaking my hips and rolling my shoulders and I head towards her like the love child of Michael Flatley and The Terminator ready to pounce which inevitably scares her off the dance floor. In the space of 3mins what was going well with lots of chatting and laughs has been destroyed to the soundtrack of the Black Eyed Peas. Later I see her dancing with a some guy wearing a polo shirt with his collar turned up and new wave take on Dennis The Mennis hair cut.

I don’t dance at home by myself and never have any desire to, so why would I ever dance in a room full of people and especially with someone I want to impress, it is my social suicide. I can do a passable skank but no one really wants to see that. So I guess I need to stick to what I’m good at sitting in the corner of clubs for 10mins assessing my life skills hoping that my future wife hates dancing as much as me.

BYE.