The only way is… hilariously witty pun.
Alot of television is a massive cesspit. If you don’t like the idea of eating poo, don’t read this.
Scattered through your TV listings are programmes that genuinely make me question my very own existence. Programmes in which their content feels like it has been chewed up by John Prescott and then thrown back up again… But what angers me most about this cesspit is that there are people standing eager, with spoons, ready to eat it up. YUM YUM EAT UP YOUR SHIT.
First up hovering his arse over your dinner plate, is frequent shouter and serial finger pointer Jeremy Kyle. Now I have a confession to make, i used to watch Jeremy Kyle and laugh at all the people, “HAHAHA SHE TAKES DRUGS AND ONLY HAS 3 TEETH” “OMG HE CHEATED ON HER WITH HER DAUGHTER NOW HE LOVES STALKING HER” “LIE DETECTOR! CANT ARGUE WITH THE LIE DETECTOR!”. Yes that used to be me, until I saw the light. I say light more, Land Rover Discovery. At the tender age of 18, I got wind (not farting) that a girl that went to my school was going to be on Jeremy Kyle. On my mad sprint to my friends house to lap up her misfortune, I fell. I fell in front of a Land Rover it was about 11 metres away from me. I could have been run over trying to watch someone on Jeremy Kyle. Now I don’t have a way in which I’d "like to go", but being run over by a middle class woman in her 4x4 whilst running to watch a girl throw her life away to heroin would not be at the top of my list. If I had died that it would have been Jeremy Kyle's fault.
MASSIVE TWAT
While Jeremy bombards these people (and I assure you they are actual genuine people and like everyone else aren’t perfect) the audience laugh and recoil in horror because Jim from Bristol only has two teeth. HOW COULD HE CHEAT ON HIS WIFE? HOW COULD HE NOT BE A PERFECT HUMAN BEING? Jeremy lords over them shitting in their face whilst you, the audience, lick it off their face laughing and laughing. Hahaha lets laugh at the human beings messing up their short existence on earth because somewhere down the line someone has failed them. By watching Jeremy kyle you are funding a cunt and slowly chipping away at your soul. HAPPY VIEWING.
If the only way is Essex then we wouldn’t need road maps, but by the sheer existence of road maps it proves that the only way isn’t Essex, there are other places in the world, like Newcastle or Chelsea for example…
What angers me is that someone can make this rubbish and people love it, they go shitting mental for it. REEM TOTES AND WILLIAM HILL. It seems if you put a moron in front of a camera it makes great television, Joey Essex, Brian from big brother, Boris Johnson. I’ve not got too much to say on this, as I've never watched it, though I have been in a club where Mark Wright (no relation to Ian) made a guest appearance. People queued to have their photo taken with him. So excited they were that they formed an orderly queue! This man stands on TV looking like preened budgie talking about how he hates a girl then likes a girl and then hates her and Reem and so on… and now because of his huge talent he can go to a south Ayrshire night club and demand a queue of people.
LINE UP! LINE UP! COME HAVE A PHOTO TAKEN WITH MARK WRIGHT WHO LIKES A GIRL! AND THEN HATES A GIRL! LINE UP! LINE UP! AND COME SUCK ON HIS COCK OR EAT HIS SHIT. HES ON TV YOU KNOW!
Also a massive ttwat.
As a regular CBBC viewer you may think that I don’t have grounds to stand on, and yes while there a many horrible TV programmes proverbially shitting on you, it could be argued that if I was to get shat on by Clifford the big red dog id be in all sorts of trouble.
It just makes me cry to think people actually enjoy this kind of television. Come on you’re better than that?
I don’t have an ending to this, I didn’t really have a start. I just hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I totes hate people …
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