LADS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN.

I apologise for the Cyndi Lauper referrence in the title.

"The term LAD is synonymous with the word cunt, and if you disagree it’s probably because you yourself are a massive LAD.” (Mclellan, 2012)

While I’ll agree that it takes all sorts to make a world, from the slow un-intrusive nature of a tortoise, to the busy mother bird flying home to feed her young, the old man who collects the paper every sunday morning from the local shop, a group of friends laughing on a train about a time when sarah said "blah blah blah”... theres a vast array of living creatures on this planet, each beautiful in their own unique way...

THAT CUNTS JIVING!

Three quotes from Truelad.com

"Out last night and a girl on my course (7/10) at uni (fresherLAD) walks up to me and whispers in my ear "ive never kissed a boy before". as i have a girlfriend, my reply was "wow, neither have i! we have something in common" and i walked away. FaithfulLAD"

"Girls Facebook status 8/10 'some little kid knocked on my window and when I went to the door he shouted from across the street GET YOUR BUM OUT! littleLADinthemakingLAD"

"Jeremey Clarkson = trueLAD"

I think you will all agree some first rate banter, bantz etc up there... 

My hatred for LADS is so great that i find it sensationally difficult to even string together one sentence on why it is that my blood boils when i view such LADish behaviour. So im going to do things a little bit different today, I'm going to tell you a story (names removed for protection) and hopefully it will show you why you shouldn’t buy into LAD culture.

A few years ago I attended a party (Im quite the socialite) and to be blunt, it. was. shit. The music wasn’t fantastic, Tio Cruz mostly if i remember. And people were sticking to their own social groups in a way that it made you feel like you were in a prision yard and speaking to anyone not in your 'gang' would result in death by judgemental staring. I was a few Tesco beer Speciale down, my recent horriffic haircut had, had a week to 'grow in' so i didnt look like Annie Lennox anymore and to add to that i had just got some fantastic new trainers. So i was feeling pretty confident about my chances of tricking a female into finding me interesting enough that the conversation could go beyond that fact i have a slight English twang to my accent. I didn’t have any chat up lines prepared (apart from one fantastic fact about Swans), I just hoped she really liked my new Nikes as much as i did, if not i’d have to resort to Plan B*. As usual it wasn’t going successfully, and my confidence in my trainers had dropped to an all time low, but worse was to come..

As i walked through to the kitchen that was maybe filled with 6 or 7 members of one gang I saw a girl standing by herself and i approached her. This seems a bit predatory, i assure you it wasn't or atleast wasnt intended to be. After a few awkward regulatory questions about Uni, where we lived and then my super fact about swans, it was assumed by me that we were getting on fantastically.. and it was after feeling that everything was going great that 3 LADS stumbled into the kitchen shouting and bawling and singing and saying STANDARD a lot. [Standard - A Standard phrase for Standard Morons] Then one by one these standard LADS each approached the girl i was talking to...

The first guy was about 5ft 10 in a striped Ralph Lauren t-shirt, he was brimming with confidence or as i like to say, he was a smug cunt and as he staggered towards the girl he said “See if I wasnae with my bird, you know? but im a faithfulLAD, but genuinely add me on facebook” to which the other two replied “standard chat from you, absolutely standard”.

The second guy approached her he must have only been about 16, I think he was someones brother, anyway he had so much lynx on that he smelled like a tweenagers birthday party.. He came up close to the girl and said “Ha mate you look fucking sensational, nah im only joking, see am just cheeky, but seriously i wid”

The final guy approached the girl (who was now almost on the verge of tears). He was pretty tall and and looked like the most drunk out of them all and he said the most horrifying thing of them all, its hard for me to even repeat it... “I LOVE JEREMEY CLARKSON, WHAT A FUCKING LAD”...

I'm so sorry to post two Clarkson pictures in one post, im so so sorry

They girl ran out crying, she ran out of the flat without saying goodbye to me, and tadgically... and... and tradigcally, she was hit by a bus taking LADS on holiday to Kos... LAD banter isn’t just banter, it kills. It killed the only woman I loved in 2010, there’s no room for it in our society. STOP IT NOW. Please join my campaign STOPLAD2012.

Thanks for listening

Plan B* Get drunk and hope something happens from there.

HE'S GOT NO TEETH!!

The only way is… hilariously witty pun.

Alot of television is a massive cesspit. If you don’t like the idea of eating poo, don’t read this.

Scattered through your TV listings are programmes that genuinely make me question my very own existence. Programmes in which their content feels like it has been chewed up by John Prescott and then thrown back up again… But what angers me most about this cesspit is that there are people standing eager, with spoons, ready to eat it up. YUM YUM EAT UP YOUR SHIT.

 

First up hovering his arse over your dinner plate, is frequent shouter and serial finger pointer Jeremy Kyle. Now I have a confession to make, i used to watch Jeremy Kyle and laugh at all the people, “HAHAHA SHE TAKES DRUGS AND ONLY HAS 3 TEETH” “OMG HE CHEATED ON HER WITH HER DAUGHTER NOW HE LOVES STALKING HER” “LIE DETECTOR! CANT ARGUE WITH THE LIE DETECTOR!”. Yes that used to be me, until I saw the light. I say light more, Land Rover Discovery. At the tender age of 18, I got wind (not farting) that a girl that went to my school was going to be on Jeremy Kyle. On my mad sprint to my friends house to lap up her misfortune, I fell. I fell in front of a Land Rover it was about 11 metres away from me. I could have been run over trying to watch someone on Jeremy Kyle. Now I don’t have a way in which I’d "like to go", but being run over by a middle class woman in her 4x4 whilst running to watch a girl throw her life away to heroin would not be at the top of my list. If I had died that it would have been Jeremy Kyle's fault.

MASSIVE TWAT

                                            

While Jeremy bombards these people (and I assure you they are actual genuine people and like everyone else aren’t perfect) the audience laugh and recoil in horror because Jim from Bristol only has two teeth. HOW COULD HE CHEAT ON HIS WIFE? HOW COULD HE NOT BE A PERFECT HUMAN BEING? Jeremy lords over them shitting in their face whilst you, the audience, lick it off their face laughing and laughing. Hahaha lets laugh at the human beings messing up their short existence on earth because somewhere down the line someone has failed them. By watching Jeremy kyle you are funding a cunt and slowly chipping away at your soul. HAPPY VIEWING.

If the only way is Essex then we wouldn’t need road maps, but by the sheer existence of road maps it proves that the only way isn’t Essex, there are other places in the world, like Newcastle or Chelsea for example…

What angers me is that someone can make this rubbish and people love it, they go shitting mental for it. REEM TOTES AND WILLIAM HILL. It seems if you put a moron in front of a camera it makes great television, Joey Essex, Brian from big brother, Boris Johnson. I’ve not got too much to say on this, as I've never watched it, though I have been in a club where Mark Wright (no relation to Ian) made a guest appearance. People queued to have their photo taken with him. So excited they were that they formed an orderly queue! This man stands on TV looking like preened budgie talking about how he hates a girl then likes a girl and then hates her and Reem and so on… and now because of his huge talent he can go to a south Ayrshire night club and demand a queue of people.

 LINE UP! LINE UP! COME HAVE A PHOTO TAKEN WITH MARK WRIGHT WHO LIKES A GIRL! AND THEN HATES A GIRL! LINE UP! LINE UP! AND COME SUCK ON HIS COCK OR EAT HIS SHIT. HES ON TV YOU KNOW!

Also a massive ttwat.

As a regular CBBC viewer you may think that I don’t have grounds to stand on, and yes while there a many horrible TV programmes proverbially shitting on you, it could be argued that if I was to get shat on by Clifford the big red dog id be in all sorts of trouble.

It just makes me cry to think people actually enjoy this kind of television. Come on you’re better than that?

 I don’t have an ending to this, I didn’t really have a start. I just hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I totes hate people …

THATS WHEN GOOD NEIGHBOURS BECOME GOOD FRIENDS

Hi Welcome Back. I live on fucking Ramsey Street

It is currently 01:46am in the morning, I'm alone in my flat and all i can hear is the flat across from me having a party! HOORAY. I would go over and firmly ask them to fuck off and shut up and die but I'm only 1 man, of average height and weight, and i completely understand my limitations. So I've decided to moan about them on the Internet.. great plan Stew..

Maybe i should accept the fact they're young and want to get drunk and loud and have a good time. Maybe i should just accept the fact that the hall is a great communal place for drunk couples to argue then winch then argue then winch. Maybe i should realise i have been to a party before (I really have) and i have contributed to indeterminate shouting.. But then again it is two in the morning and i want them to die..

A back story on my neighbours.

The term "cunts" is thrown about a bit, but cunts is what they are. They are the kind of cunts who have massive holes in their ear lobes (i believe called plugs??????). It's something i will never understand, the human body provides us with plenty of holes, you are not a Swiss cheese, stop trying to be a Swiss cheese. They are also in a band! How could i forget about the band!? I've affectionately dubbed them SHITSTORM. They repetitively play in drop d while someone who sounds like they've had a troubled relationship with a stern father figure screams DIE!DIE!DIE! So i think that constitutes a band?

Anyway there's currently a steaming bird outside the party desperate for attention. It's a shame for her that no one seems to give a fuck about how craazy she is and nor will they when she posts her craazy drunken antics on Facebook tomorrow morning. Its a fact no one cares about what you post unless its about some shit that everyone like or something (apologies, too tired to think of something you kids like).

The girls gone inside now BUT THE PARTY CONTINUES! Maybe I'm just jealous? Tonight all I've done is check my change to see if i own a 2 pence piece from 1983, because i read somewhere they're worth £700...
NO I'M NOT JEALOUS I'M ANNOYED. The cunts, the shitting cunts are whooping and shouting and playing.. i think it's Tiao Cruz!? SHITTING TIAO CRUZ! Ironically? Most likely. Which makes me even more annoyed because that means they'll be laughing and having a good time and laughing and having a good time and laughing, and i have to listen to them!

I hope there's a power cut and the steaming girl falls through a glass table and dies and they're all done for culpable homicide...

No i don't... I need to remember, I'm easy going. I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going I am easy going.


If that did happen though the BBC news could interview me
BBC - "We're here with eye witness Mr Mclellan"
Me - "Yeah well i was just in my pants and then that girl died which was such a shame because she was soo craazy and steaming".

Anyway a few hours have passed and they've stopped. My flatmate has returned home dressed as a woman and is trying to sexually assault me. AHHH order has been restored..