WE CAN'T BE AS LUCKY AS LES

Recently I’ve had a bit of an eye opener, working part time all summer has made me realise that I really need to succeed in my Uni course and then keep on succeeding in my chosen career path until I’m old an grey. This thought comes as my lack of enthusiasm and short attention span for anything I don’t enjoy becomes painstakingly apparent. Thinking about it further I can even struggle concentrating on conversations – having to listen to someone talk about their life can be tough, especially when I could be thinking about what I’d do If I was a chubby couple from Largs who had won the Euromillions.

I would happily forgo a well paid job in the future as long I enjoyed what I was doing, to find something well paid and enjoyable would be the dream but we all can’t be like Les Dennis...

LES DENNIS?

On a casual jaunt through Thursdays 4 o clock television I ended up on CBBC where I came across a programme hosted by Les Dennis called Fe Fi Fo Yum. I turned over at the exact point where Les was excitably asking two groups of children to guess how many Meatballs he could force into his mouth in 30 seconds (it was7). Some people work hours on end for a little wage and little self reward but not this man. This man has clearly reached the dizzy heights’ of dream jobs. A handsome wage to do something a handicaped person does every day and it's a job he presumably loves(im only guessing he loves it by the LARGE AMOUNT OF FUN AND CRAAAZY ENTHUSIAM HE PUT IN THE SHOW). Though I have to question what anyone’s doing employing Les Dennis to host and star in a Childrens TV (he's  not really an aspirational figure for a 10 year old). I guess I can’t be too critical of childrens television -  if I was to be I could easily write 500 words questioning the logistics of Clifford the Big Red Dog i.e.  who's job is it to clean up after Clifford goes for a shit?

Heres a short list of people who shouldn’t have Jobs in Television

Jeremy Kyle

Vanessa Feltz

Carol Mcgiffen

Any dog that’s appeared in Eastenders

The Cast of Eastenders

But to sum up a somewhat incredibly short and strange post... I don’t want to think about not ending up in broadcasting because that thought terrifies me. Without the pencilled in life I have for myself in 10 years time the future is not bright nor is it orange it’s a massive cold hollow void.

We’ll all can’t be as lucky as Les Dennis....

..Or maybe we can. Maybe If I fail my course, I could get a buskers licence. Buy a pack of meatballs. Stuff the meatballs in my mouth whilst on the high street asking children to guess how many are in my mouth then I would scream “HAVE I SUCEEDED NOW!? HAVE I SUCEEDED NOW!?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Thanks.

I CANT DANCE

Here's a post about me not being able to body pop

As I walked back from the toilet I looked onto the dance floor and saw a group of friends dancing, giving it no second thought, loving every rhythmic movement and I envied them. Next to them was a lone male using his dancing skills to try and attract two girls also having a dance. I didn’t envy him. He was slowly approaching them with shoulder rolls and hip shakes in an attempt to show these girls he was a FUN GUY and that they should dance with him. The girls promptly left the dance floor, I assume through fear. This routine was not unfamiliar to me as I used to also try to chat up girls with the Macarena, until I realised that words are probably more effective. It’s a bit like going into a job interview and purely fox trotting for 30mins.. (It is nothing less than horrific that I can put chatting up girls in the same category as job interviews)

So I said the gift of the gab is more effective and it is, to a degree... If you're talking to a lady and making her laugh and getting on like a bleeding house on fire it’s great but then a song comes on that she presumably loves and rarely hears and you hear her say the most horrible sentence ever imaginable “Lets Go Dance” at this point my heart sinks well aware of what’s going to happen..

I have to go and dance with her I can’t just point blank refuse, I need to show her that I’m a regular human being who loves to have FUN like every other normal functioning member of society

So we arrive at the dance floor, she’s doing some sort of sexy self hair grabbing sexy body dance and I’m stood about 2ft across from her like a rabbit caught in headlights not knowing what to do. I do have rhythm so I manage to bust out a rhythmic sway and occasionally point (and I’m not quite sure what I’m pointing at, but I hope it constitutes as dancing). If I knew the song I could sing along and relieve the awkward tension that’s building up in my mind but alas its some song by the Black Eyed Peas about weeing your self and having the time of your life.

Beside me there’s a guy who’s seen that I’m obviously drowning in poor dance moves and in my mind is going to try and step in front of me so I need to up my game and in a desperate attempt I resort to shaking my hips and rolling my shoulders and I head towards her like the love child of Michael Flatley and The Terminator ready to pounce which inevitably scares her off the dance floor. In the space of 3mins what was going well with lots of chatting and laughs has been destroyed to the soundtrack of the Black Eyed Peas. Later I see her dancing with a some guy wearing a polo shirt with his collar turned up and new wave take on Dennis The Mennis hair cut.

I don’t dance at home by myself and never have any desire to, so why would I ever dance in a room full of people and especially with someone I want to impress, it is my social suicide. I can do a passable skank but no one really wants to see that. So I guess I need to stick to what I’m good at sitting in the corner of clubs for 10mins assessing my life skills hoping that my future wife hates dancing as much as me.

BYE.

ROCKNESS

I ENJOYED ROCKNESS SO MUCH I DECIDED TO POST SOME LOWLIGHTS

A few moronic quotes from this weekend to get the ball rolling

“Oh no David’s shat his tent, it’s probably because he was off his face on MDMA last night such a LAD.”

“ Have you seen that tart Izzy? Oh I take that up the rear, the fucking slag.”

Rockness provided me with many opportunities to hate the world and equally love it this year, but by now as you know my games about whinging.  As I sat in my festival chair staring at helpless girls struggling to erect their tent in the slight rain, I contemplated  “if I offer to help them would it be sexist?” and is the fact I used the words “erect” and "girls” in the same sentence sleazy? Anyway as I sat there in my self debate I then thought back to the bloody idiots on the bus (I didn’t actually think back I've just structured the paragraph like this). I thought back at the 7 guys that must have been 18( the young whippersnappers) all wearing matching trilbies saying phrases like “that cunts jiving” and talking about how they  were going to destroy the weekend all whilst I was trying to get some shut eye at 5am in the morning . I think between them they shared one brain and that it self was probably made from paté. Yes it would be a tasty brain to have on toast but as a functioning dictator of the body, fucking useless. The low point of their LAD behavior was their reaction to a guy on the bus doing a card trick, which I must  say was entertaining , but it didn’t warrant them all to get there metaphorical penis’ out and offer to proverbially take this magician up his magical hole. Their over enthusiasm made me pity them for a second before remembering how much I hated them.

Being the passive aggressive that I am I didn’t say anything vocally, I just shared in quite whispers and knowing looks with Nial on the bus. BUT THEN I SNAPPED, two days in to the festival I saw one of the “jiving cunts” at which point he said to me “shouldn’t you be sleeping?”  Rage filled my passive body so much that no thought was coherent and I blurted out in a fit of rage “SHOULDN’T YOU BE WANKING OVER PICTURES OF YOU'RE MUM!?” I wasn’t proud of it but it felt good like releasing a wee after holding it in, in the car. Obviously weeing in a toilet and not in the car.

 After I awoke from thinking of those pate' headed bastards I saw that the “helpless girls” had indeed managed to put up (erect) their tent, which taught us all a lesson. A) That they could do it without the help of a steaming male and B) I am always right.

There was another group of bastards camping near us some decent, some of which were morons. I often wonder how people don't realise how much of a Jim Davidson they can be. Anyway one of them got their comeuppance by passing out in our tent. We had a 2 litre bottle of piss in our tent and when Nial found him passed out the bottle of piss had some what went down in volume. We suspect he had drunk our piss.

Yes i have been whinging, but apart from meeting a few shafts the majority of the people were sound as 100 pence, ruddy brilliant. We met old friends, new friends and generally had an awesome time which was the perfect pallet cleanser for our dickhead pate' on toast.  There is a lot I could write about this weekend on a positive note as it was bloody excellent but I decided to keep the memories to myself and parade these annoying bastards on the internet like William Wallaces decapitated head.(is that still a sore point for you Scots? Don’t worry Salmond is next)

So equate all these words together and you come to the realisation that not everyone in the world has a penis stuck to their forehead and the ones that do will probably end up drinking your piss one day.

Peace Love and Prosper. Free Tibet.

HOT HOT HOT

This isn't a cynical look at summer... More of a cry for help

I remember when I used to enjoy this sweat drenched time of the year, as a 15 year old I had my best summer. The highlight being the time I hit a two year old girl in the face with a water balloon and her dad then chased us and eventually punched me in the head WHAT A LAUGH. Maybe that's why I can't seem to find any enjoyment in summer anymore. Now, If I was to soak a toddler with a Super Soaker I'd be facing prison, and shouting "WETTER IS BETTER" whilst drenching her would surely lead to further criminal punishment and probably a thorough prison raping....

Youth is about discovery and in summer you had all the time in the world to do just that. But now you're older and you've realised that your 2litre of Strongbow tastes like shit and having a job is vital as it fund your social activities (aka casual alcoholism) because your discovery of youth pretty much stopped when you found out that Smirnoff Ice tasted just like lemonade (it took me a while to except beer, we're now good friends).

So as I've gotten older my sense of adventure hasn't been lost, more hindered by the need for a job and the feeling of being a bit older. Some people try to find adventure by going abroad, but for the majority of people it's just like going to a new bar in a sunnier climate. Going to the costa del sol to sit in "Vals Beer and Burger Bar" doesn't interest me much. I might as well go to Burger King with a Lucozade bottle full of vodka and a heat lamp.

This is what I imagine Val to look like...

So when I was younger I explored parts of life that I now know as social boundaries and while I can't go around at the age of 20 with a bag of water balloons aiming them at every house window/car/little girl, there needs to be a bit more daring adventure in my summer.

At this point I'd like to remind you that this is a blog to myself and I am aware there are a people who possess a natural inquisitive mentality towards life, and I hate them (obviously jealousy)

So here's where I need your help. I want to make the most of this summer. I want to spend all of my spare time wisely, explore what's local to me and maybe what's not so local. Football, drinking and BBQ are good but there needs to be more to fill my the 4 month gap in my year. So let's hire a boat? Go camping, cycling? Visit a shit castle fight with some locals? Something to recapture the sense of youthful adventure. I was 20 this year, so this is probably what they'd call a quarter life crisis. So I need YOUR help to keep me adventuring.

As much as I love Tim Wonnacot there's only so much Bargain Hunt I can watch this summer.

YEAH.

THE LONELY HEARTS CLUB

I must be insane to write a post about my involvement with romance. This post will probably ruin any chance I ever could have had with a female. These words I am about to write down if read, will act as a metaphorical castration. If that is the case I suppose I'll have to only go for illiterate females, though I don't really want to have to move to Newcastle AYOH... I don't know why i decided to pick on newcastle. If theres one place a skinny white indie kid doesn't want to start a fight with...it's probably newcastle.

I've just finished my lunch. It was pretty decent I had a steak bake, a chicken sandwich from greggs, a pepsi(diet) and a nice case of OH WHY WONT SHE LOVE ME. For the brief 20 minutes it took me to "shove food in mouth" I came upon a vision, a beauty, the most amazing person I and I assume the world could have possibly ever seen.

What made her special? She was about "8 out of 10". My type, I( wont reveal "my type" I like to keep you guessing), she looked happy, dressed well, looked like the kind of girl I could take home to my mum and be like "Yeah look what I'm tapping Mum.". But the most important thing about this girl was this... and I stress this is the thing that seeled the deal... we made eye contact... From that point on I fell in love.

JUMPING THE GUN

Ok I'll admitt that i jumped the gun, false start, came too early, but thats all i needed for me to start planning our wedding. The sad thing is it's not just her this happens with, but its with a lot of females. My egerness to subscribe to a new romantic novel is the biggest contridiction i have to being a cynic. My main theories in life are cynical such as; All children under the age of 14 are cunts and kinder surprise doesn't really warrant the name "surprise" considering the toy is a piece of carsongenic crap kinder"oh that shit" would be a better name.

But beneath the visard of hating everyone and everything the world has to offer me, theres a part of me thats caring and I like to think there is a phrase common in all if not most males, it is the phrase "aww she's lovely". This event that happened at lunch is not a new thing it's been happening since I met my friend Testosterone and we started a very steep learning curve together. I think it won't stop either until that proud moment when facebook tells the world i'm in a relationship.

It's not a creepy thing to "fall in love" with starngers. It's like watching the lottery and dreaming of not having to work in your life, except here you look at someone attarctive and think "ah we will call our first son...". Maybe this egerness is holding me back from any form of romance, maybe I should play it cool not give a shit about the women, treat 'em mean keep em keep. Sadly I do not posess the level of "HAHA IM DICKHEAD CUNT" in which to do this.

So I leave you with Jerrys Final Thought, next time you make eye contact with an attarctive person over a greggs chicken sandwich, think to yourself... "are they thinking about marrying me???"

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

PETTY CLAIMS AND COMPLAINTS.

If you’re looking for something humorous I suggest you stop reading now, because I’ve got beef and this shits from the 21 day matured M&S finest range.

Just a side note first, every time I start writing a blog post I feel like Sarah Jessica parker in Sex in the City. It’s becoming a little unnerving.

So what can I cry about on the blogosphere this month?... It’s only the ignorance of fucking idiots.

For not one instant will I claim to be the most clued up person in the world, but if I don’t know a lot about a subject I try hard not to make a condemning statement on it.

“ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END”..

... they only come to end if your shit enough to let it come to end. I over heard in the Uni Library a girl saying this to her friend in reference to her splitting up with her boyfriend. She must have used a good half dozen clichéd phrases to describe the “break up” and didn’t give one real proper reason on why she is now “single and ready to mingle”. Though judging by the girls’ sheer lack of interest in her friends opinions and thoughts on the matter, and that fact she looked like the end of Christopher Biggins penis, I think her now ex-boyfriend got off pretty lightly...

...I appreciate I shouldn’t eavesdrop.

And I come across so often people throwing in sayings to represent things in their life that have gone tits up. The reason you haven’t got a job interview yet isn’t because “good things come to those who wait” it was because at the top of your CV you spelt your name Stweart Mclllen(TRUE STORY).  Or the fact you dropped a glass of water wasn’t because “accidents happen”. It’s true accidents do happen but so does dropping a glass because you weren’t paying attention to what you were doing

So please stop trying to bullshit your way through things by throwing in a saying to justify downfalls in your life

These things don’t really annoy me to any great extent its just when I’m complaining about things it makes me happy.

So we’ve reached the half way point of the blog so I think we need a break, It’s a bit intense so here’s Barbara Windsor

Calm? Right, great lets start on the second half of the blog.

This bit will be short because a lot of it ties in with the post I did about strangers. It’s about commenting on people in general with no real fact or evidence behind what you’re saying. Now I like these guys who I’m about to speak about so I need to be careful...

But recently I read, or to be more accurate, listened to two people make a “humorous” attempt to slag a sub culture. It didn’t bother me on what they commented on or tried to “attack”. What got my goat, and here’s our buzz word for today, was the sheer amount of IGNORANCE involved. If you are going to attack a general area of life or the population at least make sure you know what you’re chatting about. Of course we all categorize people and have general opinions on types of people but somewhere in our heads logic persists and tells us that we’re being rash and it’s clearly obvious that people are individuals and should be treated accordingly. Although this dig I’m talking about was a try at humor and I cant criticise that, as that’s what I ultimately aspire to be, it just reminded me of predigest bullshit chat I’ve heard before. It got me riled.

IGNORANCE is what it is. And maybe you’re of the opinion that “ignorance is bliss”, but when you decide to comment on something with a level of ignorance, I feel it becomes more of a comment on you then what you are actually trying to talk about.

So basically compassion is king. Don’t write off people so easily. Don’t kid yourself with sayings and instead maybe try to do something about the things you’re not happy with. Don’t be a cunt your whole life..

Yours Faithfully,

Sarah Jessica Parker.

there's a degree of irony in here, if you got it.

SO STRESS CAN BE SEXY

I was undecided whether or not to write a post when I was stressed and that it self caused me more stress... so I left it

 What you’re getting now is a slightly more upbeat blog post then you would have gotten 2 or 3 days ago. The blog post of me 2 days ago would have probably consisted of less verve than a cats toenail.

So Stew what was Stressing you out?

..Amongst other things, £75 worth of pornography charges were ,and still are, stressing me out. This is probably going to be one of those things where, the more I plead innocent the more I sound definitely 100% guilty but...

I DID NOT VIEW ANY SUCH CONTENT ON MY PHONE!!!!!!

I’m not saying that I’ve never viewed such material, because I’ve been watching shameless naked women ever since we upgraded from AOL to BT and the parental controls had been forgotten to be put on my account SCORE.

I learned more about the world in that one day then I could have previously ever have imagined. What I learned about that day was the world can be a pretty damn funky, sexy place full of sexy, (if not all be it aggressive and sweaty) funky people.

But it wasn’t all good times, I remember when I was about 13, a pop up appeared on screen at a friends house and my friends were out the room. So I clicked it, “FREE NAKED BABES!”, why the hell not click it!? This Subsequently brought up a good 20 other pages of filth. So as I’m frantically closing down these pop ups, my friends walk in the room...

 What pop up out of them all do I have on the screen at that time? BIGCOCKS.COM.

Going back to the whole the more I sound innocent the more I sound guilty...

But I swear that’s exactly how it happened! HONEST HONEST HONEST. Anyway when we went back to school these so called “friends” started telling people that I actively look at bigcocks.com until I publicly started crying.

So It’s not always been great my relationship with PORN (finally said it) but what I want to show here is that this relationship has been developing for a while, and like every male I have a website where I can go to get "some" anytime I like OH YES ;). I have grown so familiar with this website that I actively look down at anyone who chooses a different, and in my eyes lesser, website. 

So by now your probably wondering why would someone with my experience and knowledge spend £75 on “naked pics” ,let me add, in one night...  EXACTLY. IT'S. IMPOSSIBLE!

Anyway what the final consequence of all this is that I now have to call up O2 and plead my innocence.

“Hell O2? Hi, yeah I’ve been charged 75 pounds for pictures of vaginas, when I’ve not actually viewed said vaginas.”...

WISH ME LUCK...

 Also I probably should just get a girlfriend...

CUT YOUR HAIR, YOU HIPPY...

I'm not going to turn on myself. I was going to write a blog on how I have the life commitments of a 3 year old but I get reminded of this constantly so the last thing i need is to start having a go at myself.

Though i do accept I need a job, and if you have any opinions on the matter, leave them in the comment box and presumably if this thing is anything like Youtube, your comment will soon turn into a mass debate about how you are definitely either racist or sexist or maybe both... personally I prefer being the latter God damn those no good Female Mexicans.

FYI this is a female Mexican.

I am now 20 (and no this isn't going to be a paragraph of self pitty.). I definitely don't act like it. My my most consistently watched tv programme is Deadly 60. I still get excited by exceedingly shiny coins. I still have some belief that one day I'll headline at Barrowlands and the majority of my social time is spent getting drunk. Theres nothing wrong with that. I was recently reminded of my age by someone a few years younger than me and they highlighted my immaturity then they got back to reading the guardian. Which made me kind of self assess. I came to the conclusion of...



I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD TO BECOME A BORING CUNT.

I want to act immature and watch programmes on channel 4 to catch a glimpse of partial nudity (excluding one born every minute). I want to get shit faced not know what I'm doing and creep out girls in clubs because I'm to wasted to know whats "just looking over" and what staring. Then I want to tell that girl  that she's look just like shakira and stumble off. I want to wake up at midday and not move until doctors comes on. I WANT STEVE BACKSHALL TO TELL ME HOW DEADLY A MUSK OX IS.

If I was still doing that when i was 30 or even late 20's then theres a problem I would have considerably failed at life and it would be an understatement at that. I have all the time in the world when I'm older to have responsibility I might aswell enjoy getting away with having little responsibilities for as long as i can.


If you want to be young and mature knock yourself out, just don't be go all mexican woman about me deciding that I'm not actually ready to care about what time debhenhams opens on a wednesday or what paper i should read or the fact I don't vote.


I have the life commitments of a 3 year old and I'll enjoy without question while i'll can. One day I'll have a morgage and a son who will probably surpass me and a family to provide for. But not right right now. So kindly let me act like a dickhead.

YOU HAVE JUST WITNESSED A POSITIVE BLOG POST.MUCH LOVE.

BEFORE I KNEW YOU I HATED YOU

I DID, I HATED YOU...

I hate strangers and thats exactly what you once were to me. You were a person I didn't know anything about but I resented you in every way, shape and form. And if you're reading this and you've never met or spoken to me I probably hate you to. When I look through your Facebook photos and i see you with a guffawing idiot that i don't know, I hate them. Maybe its because in the photo your both happy and it just highlights the fact that I have nothing better to do with my sorry life then trawl through 35 photos of your nights out or that holiday in greece you had. But i still hate them for it.

A stranger is that person that bumps into you in the street because they're too busy not looking where theyre going because theyre texting on their phone, texting another person you don't know. Strangers are judging you. They're laughing at you and you know it. You walk past them and they look at you and make a comment on your shoes or hair or if you like Coke Zero or not. Strangers are the type of people who punch children in the face, AND WHY WOULD WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A BABY PUNCHER?

I'm maybe being a bit general not all strangers are judging you and not all of them are dickheads. For instance there's just some people who you can't hate because you fail to have a real opinion on them for whatever reason....And If you're a semi attractive female I definitely dont hate you. You're a different prospect. In the 5 seconds it's taken for you to walk past me I've already thought about our marriage and what names we would give to our kids. So maybe I rushed into this post too quickly not all strangers are horrible sneering wankers only put on this world to judge me, but alot of them are. So here is a realisation... I hate strangers who judge me, which effectively is highly hypocrital because that is in turn what i am to them, but fuck it LETS IGNORE THAT




Why should i care what people think? Because i'm human and the I'm born to care what people think. If you say dont care what people think of you, you're lying. If we didnt care what people thought of us we wouldnt have doors on our bathrooms and the only thing from stopping me from masturbating in public is the fear of catching a cold.

Just when you thought I was done


I'm not done there's another branch of this tree. I hate strangers who have the potential to be better than me, social, academically, finically, aesthetically. It's nothing more than jealousy.  The bloody perfect wankers make me look like the horrendous human being that i am. I feel i needed to be honest and include this.


So what happens to you if by chance you have to talk or socialise with one of these strangers and you find them interesting enough to make the effort? You might realise that they're actually a normal human being and try your hardest to become accepted by them and you try to show off that you're a functioning member of society and you harbor even social skills to make new friends. If they accept you, great!! but if they don't and treat you like some kind of alien wanker, well you were completely jusitfied in what you were just thinking about the former stranger.

thank you and goodnight x



sidenote: i do like meeting new people, a stranger isnt a stranger once you've been introduced.

A BLOG ABOUT NOTHING...

 I REALLY WOULDN'T BOTHER READING THIS ONE IF I WAS YOU

Before i start, i did write a valentines blog and it turned out to be incredibly cringe worthy so i didn't post it. For someone who's not bothered by Valentines it really did sound like i was incredibly bothered. Oh god I'm alone...

I’m still finding it hard to write posts. I thought about giving my views on the news but it's useless. The only 2 reasons that I watch the news are; my TV has managed to stay on Channel 4 for an hour after the Simpsons have finished, or theres one of those milf news readers on BBC Breakfast and I end up debating for half an hour if I would or not(OH I'M SUCH A MALE). I also don’t really want to lay bare the ins and outs of my life or my innermost feelings for you to peer at. So until I figure out some kind of format to this I’ll just write and see where it takes me.

It's not because i dont want you to know anything about me I just don't know how to word it without sounding like a dickhead.

Social awkwardness is probably a contrubuter to whats restricting me, or the fear of it. I’m trying to avoid the possibility of writing something that's as awkward as one of the chuckle brothers penises...

In life if I fall into an awkward situation (which I tend to regularly) I can make it into a HILARIOUS JOKE AND WE CAN ALL HAVE A LAUGH ABOUT IT HA. HA. HA. But if I get my proverbial chuckle brother cock out here and end up sounding like a Cosmo Girl columnist, that dickhead Billie from the Joy of Teen Sex or if I make a reference to a chuckle brothers penis, I cant defend myself.

PRIZE CUNT OF THE WEEK

I wanted to write about about how i was feeling happy and how that had effected and changed my current perspective, but I'm just not able to. It's what I've become an adolescent who's key to all real thoughts and verbal expression of emotion are pints of Heineken and Sambuca. If someone told me how they were feeling with no real interesting point to it I just wouldn't care.

So to sum up theres nothing really worth posting because even if your life is great you're probably making someone bored by telling them , and if you do think of something interesting or something of worth that everyone can enjoy, good job not sounding like an awkward dickhead whilst saying it...


 ...And i assure this was a post intended to show how happy i currently am.

Two Posts Down and...

I'VE DECIDED I'M SHIT AT BLOGGING...


I think in order to be a good blogger you have to be able to post anything and everything you think. There should be no censorship no holding back on what's on your mind. I've attempted to write a new post a good number of times since my first one and failed and failed and failed and failed...

Thoughts are probably silent for a reason, and i'm just not able to suddenly volunteer an opinion on a subject out of the blue... True realisations and opinions come from extended thought, conversation and debate, for me to suddenly write a post about how I dislike Carole McGiffen (all be it understandable) is an almost impossible task.

So this is why I'm shit at blogging. Although I'm an opinionated (hypocritical) wanker i can't seem to be able to express my opinions without the subject matter coming up by chance.
So I want to change this to be a better blogger. I want to let you into the mind and world of Stew. So I'm gonna get personal, not too personal, but a little bit personal...


BLOG DE STEW GETS ALL PERSONAL

OK, Recently i've had a lot of time to think and i've started to feel alone. Its coming up to Valentines Day, I've never actually had a Valentines. I just want someone to love me. Surely there's someone.... AH FUCK IT

I HATE CAROLE MCGIFFEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHES SUCH A PRIZE CUNT. YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE ECONOMIC DOWN TURN, EGYPT,THE PRICE OF PETROL, SWEARING ON TV, ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION, RAISING KIDS, YOUTHS, POLITICS, OR ANYTHING SHITTING TOPICAL!!!! FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU WRINKLY CUNT.


wow that felt good




Peace out.
x


p.s. i might be dyslexic and I don't use spell checker. Sticking it to the man.

AN INTRODUCTION...

I like to think that I'm not a self righteous bellend who thinks his ill informed opinions are fact and who also hates the majority of the world...

... but the truth is I'm probably exactly that. So i can't think of a any better place to store my complaints on the world then the "Blogosphere". It appears to me that I'm in good company as well. The main reasons people get blogs are to either share an opinion, complain, or tell people things they normally wouldn't get the chance to say, because the reality is NO.ONE.CARES. Blogs are like when some one tells you about a dream they had last night. Where you were at a campsite in France and they saved you from being brutally murdered from... YAWN YAWN YAWN.

So unless you're famous or lead an incredibly interesting life, a blog is just notes to yourself. Your thoughts aloud for people to sneer at and judge and think "What a knob". So I'll ask myself again, Why am i writing this?? Probably because i am that knob and Facebook only lets me post so many words. But the reason I'm going to go with is to improve my writing... God knows it needs improving...

Future posts will hopefully have more reason and purpose to them. Unlike this one, but after all this is only an introduction.

Before i forget, this is my face. I've covered it slightly in an aim to be the next Daft Punk. Though the main purpose of posting this picture is to show that I'm not actually a 3 year old child. Sorry to disappoint you potential weird old man reader...